Lately, there have been a series of funny write-ups about Facebook. So, Critters And Crayons is jumping on the Facebook Topic Bandwagon. The Awkward List did a humorous poke at the angst caused by the “like” button. What does it mean if someone “likes” your comment or photo? More importantly, what does it mean if they don’t? I figured I’d throw my two cents in and talk about statuses. I’ve observed about 20 different types of statuses in my newsfeed on any given day. (If you see yourself in any of these status types, please don’t be offended. I see myself in at least 10 of them.) Here they are.
1) The News Report Status.
Shut up! No way! I was just there last week! Statuses like this, where you get the play by play of a person’s normal day can be funny. They are funny because you know the status will change in about 15 minutes.
Really, these statuses look at lot like Twitter Tweets.
2) The Bummed Out Status.
This is the status typically penned by someone reaching out to friends for help, solidarity, or mutual support. I’m all for open disclosure so the only time I think that this kind of status really reaches a horrible point is when someone writes something akin to:
And the only feedback that person gets is a “like” under that depressing comment. That is just freaking wrong, people.
3) The Chronically Happy Status
I think this is the inverse of #2.
The people that always post only honey and roses tend to annoy everyone else. I’ve seen comment threads by bitter mommies who admit to hiding certain people from their news feed so they don’t have to ingest the cheerful swill.
4) The Mom Status
This is the status centered on her child’s progress and brilliance. Like anyone cares what her kid said for the first time or that the indiscernible picture she posted is supposed to be a dragon in a boat.
Thank goodness Facebook Statuses are not indefinitely recallable because there’s a lot of embarrassing sharing going on that would surely be excellent blackmail material during the teenage years.
5) The Partay Status
This is the status that is riddled with typos, poor grammar, profanity and text abbreviations because it is being uploaded from a smartphone using one hand while guzzling the tenth beer with the other.
6) The Guess What I’m Thinking Status
This one really cracks me up because it lets my mind wander down all the possibilities. You know you’ve come across this status when you see something like this pithy statement:
Or this, my personal favorite:
When I see the second one, and I’ve seen it a few times, I always have to restrain myself from posting a comment like, “Yes, you SHOULD try that new laxative you were talking about the other day. It will really help your regularity.”
7) The Status You Can’t See Anymore
This one is great. You don’t even know it’s there, because you’ve either been de-friended or blocked. In the best instances, the disdain between Facebook acquaintances was mutual and it doesn’t matter. And in the worst case , someone ends up getting their feelings hurt. You run a search and realize that particular someone’s unsearchable. You see odd comment threads on pages where you know that phantom profile haunts which appear to show schizophrenics talking to themselves because of missing input. Then, you know you’re off the friend list. Don’t lose heart. There are plenty of other funny statuses to look at.
8 ) The Inspirational Status
This is the status you see that is full of wisdom, knowledge, advice, cliche, and sometime judgment.
Well, Confucious. Thank you for that. I’m not sure how I’d have made it to dinner without that kind of profundity. The funniest aspect of these statuses is when they are offered by people in their early twenties. Unlike, say, someone like me- who has reached a very sagacious mid-thirties range.
9) The Witty Status
This is the status written by someone who others think is funny, or who fancies him/herself pretty funny. When done well, it drives a lot of “likes”, “LOL”s and the ultimate comic compliment “LMFAO!”. When done poorly, it’s a sad status marked by the sound of crickets and probably several hidden Facebook messages saying, “Did you see so-n-so’s wall? WHAT a loser.”
Here’s an example of one I put up awhile ago:
That got, like, 2 “likes” out of my 553 Facebook friends. Come on, people! That’s funny!
10) The Political Status
This is the status designed to ensure we all know exactly where you stand on serious political issues. In the best case, it draws engaging discourse and possible conversion. I love these statuses. It is one of the reasons I make it a point to have Facebook friends who are diametrically opposed philosophically, politically and socially.
For instance, I have a friend who is a staunch Tea Partier, another who is a Socialist, and another who is an avowed Anarchist. None of these people know each other. Nor can they see the others’ statuses, but my newsfeed looks like a spirited political debate:
I am not joking.
11) The Gamer Status
This is the status of the addicted gamer who floods your inbox and wall with requests to buy bullets or corn or coffee or building blocks. Sometimes, after too many requests, these people also get blocked. See #7 above.
12) The Re-Posted Status
This is the status perpetuated by droves of people affirming their commitment to some cause or memory. The best ones consist of a personal challenge and thinly veiled insult to anyone who doesn’t repost it.
I’m not certain what purpose these statuses serve other than to excite the person who started the viral status in the first place when he or she sees it has made it’s way back to the newsfeed. But, I don’t repost them. I only post my unappreciated witty status in #9. Feel free to re-post it on your wall.
13) The Cryptic Inside Game Status
This is the status you see when you realize that your nerdy friend is writing about some wild, lustful romp in the open.
And then you find out some other contagious Facebook message has circulated asking you to describe where you put your purse in order to confuse all your friends.
14) The Cynical Status
This might be the funniest status. This is the one written by the perpetually miserable person in your life.
15) The Hobby Status
These have gained in popularity with the advent of smart devices and insta-synching applications.
16) The Activist Status
You see this one when someone is fired up about something and wants to make sure we’re all in the loop on the dangers of some over-arching evil. It can be pesticides, animal cruelty, domestic violence, or another dire and meaningful cause. I can’t really poke fun at this one. Because I think that would make me an insensitive jerk spawning a lot of activist statuses against this post about statuses.
17) The Proud Status
These statuses are often accompanied by photos. Photos of a newborn, a college degree, Martha Stewart Apple Pie or a new handbag wth a pricetag that could wipe out polio in the entire Eastern Hemisphere.
Taking a photo and posting a status with all of these things occurring simultaneously will surely land you on the block list. See #7.
18) The Passive-Aggressive Status
Every once in awhile we get to see this status. This is the status broadcast for all of us to see that is really intended for just one person.
This always prompts the reader to self-evaluate. Could it be me? What was my last interaction with that person? Once you determine that your Facebook friend is not talking about you, the fun begins. You go back through your newsfeed and look on their wall to find indicators of past tiffs. You look at their friend list and identify mutual friends. You look at their statuses for clues. If you’re successful, you piece together the puzzle of this completely tertiary not-your-damn-business spat and identify who the other bickerer is. True success is doing it before someone gets blocked. See #7.
19) The Angry Status
These are entertaining ones, too. It is hilarious when someone concocts a creative brew of epithets with a near poetic quality to describe the incompetence of some contractor who just can’t get the work right. My personal favorite is when someone is texting while driving to let out their road rage at the horrendous traffic and horrible local drivers. The real profanity comes out when they are forced to adjust their driving because it distracts them from the distraction of reading and texting.
20) The Self-Promotional Status
The Self-Promotional Status looks a lot like this:
I don’t think I need to elaborate much on this one. But, if you’ve got a minute, Critters and Crayons could actually use your vote, so VOTE FOR ME!!!! Here’s the link!
Well, that’s all I’ve come up with. For the record, I’m pretty sure I’m guilty of #s 1,3,4,7,9,10,14,15, 16, 17 and 20. If you have more to offer, please feel free to leave a comment here with any Facebook Status Types that I’ve missed!