A month ago, I started down the oxymoronic path of technological regression. I became a blogger without a smartphone. I gave it up. Threw it away. Relinquished the unlimited data plan I’d been grandfathered into. Spit in the face of instant gratification with a defiant and very self-righteous “Buh-Bye!”.
My metropolitan techie mainstream friends accused me of being insane. My alternative tree-hugging friends lauded my enlightened decision. My kids no longer pretended to be mommy by saying “Wait a sec. After I finish reading this email.”
Like I said, it’s been a month. I was really looking forward to this month’s cell phone bill. I was actually expecting a $30 credit. My husband and I unwittingly paid our cell phone bill twice. I had given up my $30 a month data plan so that should’ve meant more money for me.
You can imagine my surprise when I opened the bill: that bill that I’d actually anxiously awaited, the piece of paper that would be the physical embodiment of a good decision, the confirmation of my moral superiority over other data-sucking automatons, the incontrovertible proof of real savings and the vision of literal-in-written-words-that-I-gave-up-unlimited-data-forever commitment to being smartphone-less, and saw THIS:
After copious swearing and a desperate attempt by my husband to subdue (with the Sam Adams Black Lager he’d been drinking) the spontaneous flames emanating from the lava-belching hole where my head should’ve been, I called the cell phone customer service number.
After clicking through the menu for just a few minutes and nearly melting the phone with the heat of my volcanic temper, I actually got to a breathing person. Wanting to appear rational, and with the self-knowledge that I was not, the conversation started like this:
Technician: (Insert Cell Phone Company Name Which I Promised To Not Divulge Unless They Fail To Resolve This Debacle As Promised Here) Customer Service. How Can I Help You Today?
Me: Um. I have a problem with my cell phone bill I hope you can help me with. Before I explain, I want you to know that I am going to try very hard to keep my composure…..
Technician: Okaaaaayyyyy…..Why don’t you tell me about the problem?….
I explained that a month ago, I gave up my smartphone which had been covered under a 30 dollar a month unlimited data plan.
When I switched to a stupid phone, I eternally gave up my grandfathered rights into that plan and had absolutely NOT accessed a single megabyte of bandwidth since.
It made absolutely zero sense that I was covered for a majillion-hemptillion megabytes of bandwidth which I’m certain I utilized before giving up my smartphone for 30 dollars a month and now, after not even being able to email a crappy pic to myself, I now have a friggin’ thousand-plus dollar bill.
I told him I even blogged about the fact that I would not be accessing the internet. He laughed. He took down my blog link. I might have mentioned to him that I’m also in the running for Top Local Mom Blog at Parents.com and he could vote for me after he got off the phone.
(Nah. Not really. But, YOU can vote for me. Toddlin’ Around Chicagoland is gaining on Critters and Crayons. I’m like the vagrant on the corner holding up a sign that says “Who Am I Kidding? I want a BEER.” So they want your e-mail so they can offer you great Parents.com products. You can unsubscribe after the first one. Heh. Heh. Shameless, I know. It’s hard to sleep at night.)
Anyway, the cell phone customer service technician, to the company’s credit, was probably the absolute best person I could have happened upon in the sea of carotid-slash-inducing customer service technicians out there. He was attentive. He was helpful. He laughed and put me at ease.
But, most importantly, he saw the error immediately.
Apparently, when I switched from my genius-phone to a moron-phone on the 19th thereby giving up my data plan, the giving-up-ness of it all was backdated to the first of the month.
All of that fabulous virtual banter about no-fail crockpot recipes and lamentable potty-training moments that transpired between the first and the 19th was not only uncovered but egregiously billable.
At his level, he couldn’t just give me a $1000+ credit. This problem would need several levels of approval. He assured me that it would be fixed.
I am choosing to believe him. He was decent. He was funny. Plus, he’s checking my blog regularly to see what I write about him.
To be safe, I got his name and customer service number. Then, recorded the Date-Time-Group of our conversation so we could recall any taped conversations and promised repairs. I then made my own little Memorandum For Record and am blogging about it all JUST in case my next highly anticipated cell-phone bill opening ceremony doesn’t go as planned.
If I still owe over a grand after downgrading to a dim-wit of a phone that takes me, no joke, an ENTIRE minute to text “Gr8, C U L8R” and which can receive a grand total of 5 photo messages because of its substandard memory, you might not see any posts for awhile.
No amount of Sam Adams Octoberfest is gonna be able to put those flames out.
Holy Guacamole!! They better fix that bill – just the mention of that amount makes me cry. By the way, no, will never give up my smartphone & being grandfathered in
QF- You are not joking. It was infernal up in these here parts. hahahaha!
OMG, what a nightmare! THAT will teach you to downgrade…We once had a phone (traditional, landline) bill for 2K+ for 2 concurrant 25 minute calls (?huh? one 25 minute call at 11:00pm, and another 25 minute call at 11:07pm from the SAME #!) to Vanuatu… and YES, I did puke!! It took months to fight it… BEST wishes to you!!
OMG! I would have been sick if I got YOUR phone bill!!!! How horrible! I was actually really worried at first. I thought, maybe it was possible, that we had accidentally accessed a weather report or something that ran in the background for days and days- and that it would look like we had actually used the bandwidth. I really expected the company to give me that line. So, I was really relieved when the technician told me that it was clear that no data had been accessed once the phone had been downgraded. Phwew!
Not that I want you to have to pay that, but I’m quite curious to see the phone company’s name. Bah, curse my inquisitive mind. Anyhow, good luck with that.
hahahaha! Oh, check back in a month. hahahahahaha!
I knew it !!!
Giving up smartphone is never a good idea .
1000$ !!!!!!
What the heck .
That would cover my phone bill and internet for 80+ months(6 years) (Smartphones bow to by bidding)
Muhahahaha…………………….(Gloats ,teases ,adds rocket fuel in the fire ,attempts to instigate )
Suggests this —–> http://www.importcostumes.com/i/360×360/IC33734.jpg
I knew this techie post would draw you in Skilled Chaos, or is it Arkas? haha! You ARE an instigator.
I knew you’d find that funny. hahaha!
It does prove one point .
You never use more than 2GB a month
You use roughly 800-1000 MB a month (From your bill )
So your preconception of exceeding the 2GB limit is quashed .
Well, THAT does make me feel better, actually. Maybe I won’t go over the limit since I’m not grandfathered anymore.
The whole world was like “Yeah! You got rid of the smartphone, good job!” “Congratulations! I’m proud” and “Wow, you’re brave! Nice!” .. then you show us this huge phone bill as a consequence of your awesome switch and it makes this whole thing awkward lol
The bill is scary though, I’m sure it will get fixed since it really wasn’t your fault
Edwin
Aw, Thanks, Edward. Some sympathy. Do you see the hard time Arkas is giving me? hahahaha!
Hahaha! I guess it continues, you guys are funny.
P.S. Angry Mom does have a cool ring to it.. hahahahahahaha
Yes, that is The Critters and Crayons alter-ego. Angry Mom. Thanks, Arkas!
It is more than that .
She made a draft post ” How abandoning smartphone saved my time and money ” 20 days ago specifically for today
Was happy and cheerful the morning
Humming “Sunday Monday ,happy days ……”
Just waiting for the photo to prove the point .
Best laid plans of mice and men Go oft awry
And the world crashed ….
Now she waits in fury for a month .
Skilled Chaos aka Arkas, you and your shadenfreude….
Both skilled chaos and Arkas are alias anyway .
You dont have to give options
Rumor as it you have two posts ready just for the tech guy .
His whole world will be over soon if he doesnt deliver ..
Poor fellow .Feel the wrath of Genghis……I mean Angry Mom .
I wonder if there is an app for that …….
No, not true. The posts just come as they come. They could be techie. They could be anti-techie. And they could just be about potty training woes.
Maybe I’ll start calling you Ghengis, instead. haha!
And I like my new alias, Angry Mom. Very nice.
If anyone can create an app for that, I am certain you can!
Wow, what a story. Thanks for the linkup and the funny 3 minutes this morning. I hope things get resolved for you asap!
You’re welcome, James. Thanks for reading it and for writing your post which helped in this story…haha!
How horrible! I know it will be resolved- but still the shock must have been a sight to see! I had the same thing happen after my daughter messed with my smart phone and got some weird app running in the back ground and I started seeing all kinds of crazy charges on the phone. It worked out in the end… Just be glad you didn’t have it on automatic payment!!!
So, true, Cythia! That’s what I said to my husband when I read it! SOOOO Glad we don’t have it on auto-pay!
Glad you got yours fixed, too!!!
Holy hell. I recommend you switch to Appleton Estate rum. I don’t think Sam Adams can handle that kind of stress. I hope everything works out, with minimal “carotid-slash-inducing” frustration. (Best. Quote. Ever. Love it!)
CAROTID-SLASH-INDUCING! That is the multi-adjective I’ve been looking for to describe many things out there lol
Haha, Edwin! I double-dog dare you to work that into a post on Awkward-ness.
I’m so pleased you approve of my very graphic adjective.
Some might have seen it as a window into a violent soul. hahahahaha!
Oh Dog! I could see Jen reacting in a not-so-dissimilar manner, but then I don’t see her ever giving up her smart phone.
I never thought I’d give mine up! But, it is nice to be away from technology for bouts of the day. When I sit down to write or blog or update photos or back-up files or renew anti-virus software yadda yadda yadda, I feel sucked into a techie vortex. It’s nice to be free of it for part of each day! Even if it means I have to research my routes the night before, and writed down phone numbers I need to call the next day because I can’t instant access them.
Thanks for the comment!
c&c/am (angry mom): Loved the switch to “dumb phone” post, originally. Admittedly, I was secretly concerned that the cyberspace minions might exact some sort of tragic Shakespearean revenge on you. My fears were unfortunately founded. We’ve all taken the smart phone “gateway drug” and the pushers get very angry with resistance. Will send out a cyber-SWAT team to help pave the way on your bill – hehehehe!
Mike! Thank you for the support!
I cannot tell you how mad I was when I saw that bill. I’d had a not great day, just put the kids down and wasn’t feeling great about the whole bedtime routine- and my husband said, “you’re not gonna like this” and showed me the bill. He had seen it an hour earlier but knew it was not the right time to bring it up then. 
Thanks for sending in the cyber-SWAT guys- I might need them in a month. 
I can very well relate and imagine your reaction upon seeing the bill! Actually when I wrote my post about this similar problem, I actually had a picture, your picture in my mind and was thingking I read about the same problem somewhere. It was YOU!
Sorry, I really forgot, I’d have linked up to you. Whatever ending I’ll have, i’ll be linking up to you! 
Haha! Well, it was so traumatic for me to see, I’m glad I could give others PTSD vicariously from it. Thanks, Ava!
The picture I meant was the first picture with the big WHAT????!!!!!! It made such an impact to my unconcious mind apparently..
Thanks Trish!
Awesome! I cannot wait to read your post now! hahahaha! I’m sure it will resolve. You can always write bad things about the company if they don’t.
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