I LOVE my mini-van.
There was a time before children that I felt that mini-vans were for unfortunate losers lacking any coolness or style who had sold-out to the stereotypical mom-jean image we moms were expected to fulfill once we popped out a kid. How life changes for most of us.
This is THEN.
And this is NOW.
Like I said, I proclaim with great pride that I love my mini-van. When I go to a store and I have two cars parked on either side of me well over those very-easy-to-see-but-I-don’t-care-I’m-an-inconsiderate-parker lines, I don’t sweat it because I’ve got sliding electric doors. My friends with gigantus SUV doors park at the far end of the parking lot because they’d never squeeze a car seat out of the 3 inch crack between their opened door and the clunker next to them.
There are a few more amenities I’d like to see incorporated into my beloved vehicle. I’m hoping car engineers take note. Incorporate these ideas, and you’ll be paying us all back for the Bail-Out in no time.
Baby Food Amenities
Bottle Warmer and Food Cooler between the driver and passenger seats.
A robotic double-breast pump that emerges from a hidden compartment in the steering wheel. A ”Smart” Van would have windows that auto-tint to provide discretion to pumping moms that lighten upon retraction of the pumps.
A non-judgemental formula dispenser by the glove compartment for non-nursing moms.
Compactors for trash and recyclables between the captain’s chairs in the back that fold back into the floor.
- Hand sanitzer dispenser above the diaper changing station behind the passenger seat.
- A programmable vacuum that spontaneously sucks up debris, cheerios, and breadcrumbs.
- A hydraulic wet-wiper that descends from the ceiling above each car seat to wipe boogers, chocolate milk, puke or any other foreign substance from your child’s face and neck while driving.
- Vinyl dry-erase headliners for easy chocolate milk and coffee splatter removal.
- Handheld door-mounted blacklight device to help you identify which body fluids you are wearing that do not actually belong to you.
For Beauty And Comfort
- One of those over-priced Brookstone Foot Massagers to use at stoplights and extended parking sessions.
- A make-up applicator to apply powder, blush, and lipstick while driving. Safety first, Ladies.
- A GPS with kid destinations pre-set: all parks, pools, libraries, museums, and zoos.
- iTunes pre-loaded with Imagination Movers, Fresh Beat Band, Laurie Berkner, and The Doodlebops.
- For us unsaintly parents who allow some TV, a voice-activated drop down television with Barney, Blues Clues, Little Einsteins, Super Why, Dora, Special Agent Oso, Batman, Super Man, Cars, and Toy Story.
- A pacifier dispenser and cry-activated insertion device.
- A Mantra Whisperer “Patience. Patience. Don’t Wound With Words. Patience.”
- An iFriend who validates your irrational reaction when you smash the Mantra Whisperer, turn around, and scream “KIDS! I MEAN IT! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!”
Boy, do I love my kids and the chaos of motherhood. I also love my mini-van, even without the upgrades, because it helps make traveling with kids even less chaotic than it could be. And, they’re pretty safe. A couple of years ago, I traveled 4,000 miles in our mini-van alone with a 1 and a 3 year old on a 1-month cross-country trip. I don’t think I could have done that impossible trip in any other vehicle. We had an accident on the last leg home and a beam on the highway ripped our tire rim in half. It was like we hit a speed bump. I love my mini-van. It kept us safe and got us home.
SO, WHAT’S MISSING?
WHAT OTHER UPGRADES WOULD MAKE THE ULTIMATE MINI-VAN?