The Not Mother Of The Year Award: Why My Kid Was Kicked Out of Yoga Today

Well, today I was given a very unexpected reminder to not make assumptions when it comes to my kids.

As it stands, I don’t do it often.  I don’t assume my kids have brushed their teeth when I just tell them to do it.  I don’t assume they didn’t sneak a graham cracker when they’ve played hide and seek in the pantry.  I don’t assume that the cat is just wailing for no reason when my son has accidentally cut off its air supply with his “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!” hug around the neck.

I also forgot it was Toddler Yoga Thursday at my daughter’s pre-school.  Again.

She was wearing a dress today.  No worries.  She had some cute panties on underneath her knee-length dress.  Surely she’d just have to face her rear to the wall.

It was a typical morning- personal hygiene, waffle and peanut butter, water, shoes, out the door, strap-in, arrive at school before the late bell.  I dropped off my daughter and headed to the gym fretting a little about having forgotten to put on her yoga pants this morning, or at least a pair of shorts under the dress.

I pulled into the gym and received a phone call from an unfamiliar number. The convo went like this:

Me:  “Hello?”

Teacher:  “Yes.  Um.  This is your daughter’s pre-school.  Um.  Your daughter cannot participate in yoga today.”

Me:  “Oh!  Because she’s wearing panties!  I forgot about yoga- I meant to put shorts on underneath.”

Teacher:  “Um.  No.”

Pregnant Silence.

Me:  “So, say again?  What’s the problem?”

Teacher:  “Well. Um.  She can’t participate in yoga because she’s NOT wearing any panties.”

Pregnant Silence.

Me:  “OH NO!  I’ll be right there!”

The entire way back to the pre-school, the image of the point of discovery kept playing in my head.

My daughter in Downward Facing Dog Pose, her diaphanous dress draping gently over her head as her pale, white tooshie mooned the entire class.

I can imagine the teacher’s response.

“Oh, Dear.  That IS unfortunate.”

They must have thought that.

At least that.

In case you’re wondering, here’s a pretty basic equation for you if you have a girl who does yoga regularly at school:

Please bear in mind that two days earlier, my daughter had come home from school for the 10th day in a row with her hair beautifully, but slightly unkempt, strewn around her face.

When I asked why she removed her ponytail holder every day, she told me it was because her boy-BFF and time-out partner in crime, thought it was beautiful down and that he took it out for her each day.

I’d been concerned for a bit, despite the indisputable cuteness of it all, about a potential early indicator of a lifetime of not just pleasing, but boy-pleasing.  I know they’re innocent and four.  But, I’ve hated ketchup and mayonnaise since I was four so I know some behaviors linger on.

I’d spent the last few days hoping her friend-pleasing hair-downness was a passing phase that wouldn’t stick, unlike my lifetime aversion to Thousand Island dressing.

So, my next thought, of course, was did her boy-BFF, or any other classmates, see her girly parts?

Oh, Child.  

Oh, Me.  

Oh, My.

Did any little kids get a spy?

Ugh.

I pulled into the parking lot.

The teacher, rushed out.  Upon seeing her, while holding the shorts I had stripped off of my unassuming and now half-naked toddler son, we both burst into laughter.

It was a crippling-almost-on-my-knees-in-the-parking-lot-laughter.

It was a both-of-us-crying-while-guffawing-laughter.

My best friend and president of the school PTA assures me that it was likely a school first.

Well, we’ve all gotta be good at something, I guess.

The teacher assured me that only she noticed my daughter’s bare parts when she glanced over during a revealing stretch.  She’s pretty sure that no one else was the wiser.  She had gone through my girl’s school bag which contains a spare outfit but did not find underwear.

It never contains underwear.  It always contains, what else?  A dress.

Dresses are simple, one-piece solutions that  can cover up the fact that a kid’s not wearing any underwear- which is normally not an issue.

It’s not an issue, until your kid is in a circle of other kids and doing this:

Seriously.

I know what happened.

It’s happened a couple of times recently.  My kid has adopted a new habit, in her newfound potty independence of taking care of business herself, of removing her undies completely.

She becomes engrossed in something like a puzzle, and the re-clothing of her nether areas doesn’t rank as high on the priority list as it should.  I’ve been caught off-guard at least once, on the way to the park, in the past week.

I say, again, it’s not normally an issue.

I don’t make many assumptions, but I have always kind of relied on the one that, if I put my kids to bed with covered butts, that they get up and walk out the door with covered butts.  Stupid me.

The bustle of the morning didn’t help me in the re-evalutation of my A.M. task list.

Now, I’ve got a new one:

  • Coffee
  • Teeth Brushed
  • Hair Combed
  • Clean Clothes
  • Breakfast
  • Drink
  • School Bag
  • Keys
  • Underwear.  YES OR NO.

I was a little concerned that my daughter might have been somehow embarrassed by the incident in front of her peers.  I have been reassured that it was all way above the heads of the kids who were too busy working on their Tree Pose to notice.

In the meantime, I’m sitting here, laughing like a mad woman, and lamenting the fact that, today, I receive the Not Mother Of The Year Award.

What’s your Not Mother Of The Year Award Story?

You’ve gotta have one, too.

I cannot be the only one who sucks this bad.

***********
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69 Responses to The Not Mother Of The Year Award: Why My Kid Was Kicked Out of Yoga Today

  1. Oh dear… I have tears of laughter in my eyes! I can totally see my dress loving, easily distracted daughter doing the same thing!!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to send her back to the bathroom to put on her undies after she’s wandered out of the bathroom completely bare on the bottom half!

    • Terri- I’m so glad that it translated as funny to everyone as well. The teacher and I were literally crying we were laughing so hard. :) I’m glad to know that it is more normal than I thought. I actually considered not posting the story because it might make folks uncomfortable- but clearly, I was underestimating moms. haha!

  2. What ever you are so the only one on that list! Just kidding! Completely hilarious- totally made me enjoy the fact that I stopped cleaning and preparing for my Mother-in-law to visit tomorrow.. Miss you!!!

    • Cynthia, I KNOW! hahahaha! Good luck with your MIL visit! Miss you guys, too! Will let you know when we get up to San Antonio next!

  3. This is why I do not have a girl. I wouldn’t know what to do with her. But try keeping pants on either of my boys! Once upon a time, I couldn’t keep pants on either of them. I even had one that the first thing he’d do when we went to a friend’s house was take off his shoes (fine) and pants (not fine). Still can’t teach them to shut the door when they use the bathroom either. Ah, kids!

    • That is funny- My son went through a pantless phase, too! Most men I’ve dated didn’t know how to shut the door or put the seat down. It must start young. :) Thanks for the comment!

  4. Oh, my God, I laughed so hard at this! I had to pick up my 5yo daughter from our gym’s child care program because she had peed on her underwear – not IN them, but ON them in a bizarre attempt to make her size 6 body use an infant toilet. The best part? As I arrived she was telling the staff, “Don’t worry. I don’t need to wear my underwear. My Mum goes without underwear all the time!” (For the record, that is NOT TRUE!) Ahem. Next time, I’ll show up to work out with “Hussy” printed across my shirt, just to remove all doubt :P

    • Desi! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I would have DIED if my kid said that about me to the teachers! I’ll pay you a dollar to wear that shirt to school. :)

  5. So funny, so glad I came over to read this. I had somewhat of a similar experience only my daughter was doing somersaults on the front lawn and as my 16 year old nephew pulled away the revelation was made. Oops, I forgot to put panties back on her after she had an accident. I hope that doesn’t scar my nephew for life.

    • Brooke- Thanks for checking in on my humor post- I know you’re a mega-crafter! :) You’re one of many moms who have told me a similar story since posting this. I feel so much better about my lapse. haha!

    • Thanks, Melissa. Why do people not warn us about these things? :) Perhaps, it’s so we can all get a good laugh. :)

  6. Lol thank you for sharing your stories! It makes me feel a little better about so many things!! I have way too many not mother of the year award stories!!!

    • Suzanna- I can’t not share them. I actually have to pass my ideas through my husband for a TMI check. I’m pretty open about a lot of things and not much embarrasses me. Sadly, I gather the rest of the world doesn’t operate on the same plane- so there are so many more stories that are just stuck in my head, dying to get out- but, I just can’t. :) hahaha! So glad you enjoyed it and I’m glad my failures make you feel better. :)

  7. I can relate to this. I sent PORN to my son’s preschool. We lived in Florida at the time and we had a ‘cheat box’ connected to the cable box. This ‘cheat box’ allowed us to pick up certain pay channels. During the night for whatever reason the box would change to skin channels without notice. This was back in the heyday of VCR’s and VHS tapes so I was always on the lookout for cartoons to tape for my 4 year old. I happily set up a recording for The Prince of Egypt. The next morning, I popped it into it’s cardboard sleeve and sent it off for quiet time at preschool. As I picked up my son that evening, his teacher pulled me aside. “I need to speak to you”, she said. “Okay, what’s up?” She proceeds to tell me how she popped the video into the VCR and started to step out of the room. Shortly after the opening scene and before she could get her hand around the door knob, the music changed. You know….the kind of music you hear on those commercials late at night….call me for a good time music? She managed to get the tape out of the vcr before anyone got a real show. I was dying…..all I could manage was “OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG” with my hands over my mouth. She was cracking up and after a while I could laugh too. Hey at least my son wasn’t banned from school for life!

  8. I got a call when my son was in second grade, he was in the cafeteria, eating..shirtless. He didn’t think anything of it, he explained that he put on his jacket and put his shirt in his backpack, when he got to school he discovered the shirt was not there so he kept his jacket on until he felt hot and took it off–you should have seen his little eyes asking: what’s the problem? it seemed like alot more to the counselors who kept asking me a lot of serious questions, and I kept stretching my mouth with every answer trying not to laugh, but then my husband arrived, and when he hears what happens he just explodes into laughter, making the teacher and couselors even more angry, and at that point I slowly backed out the door and into the parking lot and left him there to deal with it.

    • Victoria- That sounds reasonable to me. haha! Makes sense. I can see your husband trying to negotiate with them. I’m sure he just laughed all the way to the car and gave your kid a high five! haha!

  9. oh and another time when we dropped him off, he kicked off his shoe and landed on the roof who knows how, and he walked all day with one shoe only..and no one even noticed!

  10. That is SOOOO hilarious!!!! You poor thing! When I saw you this morning, I had no idea you had gone through all of that! When my son was in 3rd grade, he and all the other kids in his class, were asked to draw a picture of their moms. The teacher had each child stand before the class and tell everyone about their mom. Afterward, the teacher proudly displayed all the mommy pics in the hall for “meet the teacher” night. To my dismay and utter shock, my sweet little boy drew me with a very short black mini skirt, long, long blonde hair, voluptuous red lips, extremely high heels and gigantic boobs barely covered by a short belly shirt! I WAS MORTIFIED! To make things worse, he wrote a sentence that said, “My mommy works very hard and late into the night at the Tetco.” Okay, I worked in an office highrise called the TETCO Tower in San Antonio and I wore proper business attire. I promise! I made it a point to ask him why he drew Mommy to look that way and he said he was trying to make me look pretty. The more I tried to convince the teacher that I was a good mom and would NEVER dress like the drawing, the less convinced she was. I can assure you that I felt much better after looking at the other mommy pics, because some were much worse than mine. He’s 17 now and I really wish I would have saved that picture, because I would definately post it! I guess I should be happy that he drew me skinny with loooong legs! LOL

    • OMG! Kelly, that is soooooo funny! I don’t know who wins between you, Desi and Donna! Seriously! Donna sends her kid to school with a porno, Desi’s kid tells the teachers she wears no underwear around the house, and your son dresses you up like a hooker! hahahahahaha! Ah….I feel so much better after reading all of your comments! :) So good to meet you this morning!

    • Hahahahahaha! Bridget, I’m working on my story for you now. :)

      I’m glad. The memory of what happened actually keeps me laughing. :)

  11. Just wanted you to know that I DO read your articles and thoroughly enjoy them. Even though my “little girl” is 35 now, I remember all the craziness that happens in raising a girlchild. It is truly a challenge. But the memories are priceless. Enjoy!

  12. c&c … awesome story, as usual. Very funny!

    When we were in the commissary in England, years ago, our son – two or three years old at the time – was with my wife doing the grocery shopping. As kids do, he was getting tired of walking around the store, and asked Cate to pick him up. She of course, was not able to do that since she was pushing the cart. And unfortunately, the cart was full, so she couldn’t put him in the cart. She explained that she couldn’t pick him up right then. God bless the youngster; he blurted out, “IS IT BECAUSE MY PENIS IS SO BIG!!!!!”

    I promise you, he NEVER heard that from me – SERIOUSLY!! Later that night at the base wive’s quilting group, I overheard Cate tell the story, with her own punchline mind you: “He sounds just like a man!”

  13. my daughter always took off her panties and everything else to go to the bathroom. STOP DOING THAT. You don’t have to take off your clothes. I’d find her either naked or half-naked putting a puzzle together…so completely normal.

    She’d also be too busy and in a hurry to wipe herself. It took 2 years to get her to use toilet paper. Now, she uses half a roll…why is there so much tp in the trashcan? Stop wasting it. She has been harder in this arena than my son! (aren’t boys supposed to be the tough potty trainees?)

    Sandi
    http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
    lake Forest, CA

    • Brooke- I am so glad you liked it- As soon as it all happened and I regained my breath from laughing so hard myself, I knew I had to write about it. I wish all stories wrote themselves like this one- I am so honored you would consider featuring it! Thank YOU!

  14. Oh so funny! I am sure something like this will happen to me one day with my baby. She is always changing her clothes and insists on a dress almost daily.

    Thanks for sharing at Monday Madness. Hope to see you back again tomorrow.

  15. after a long night with my pantless son I’m laughing my head off. At 12 months old my son has worked out how to wiggle his pants off and undo his nappy. 30seconds of quiet and I’m sure to be chasing a nudy bum baby. lol. and yes tonight he is in bed with no pants, for some reason they are under the kitchen table haha

    • Hahahaha! I’m laughing at images of your pantless son! These are the times when we’ll look back and say that Life Was Good. hahaha! Thanks for commenting!

  16. When my youngest daughter was 4, we got home from church one Sunday (the church my husband and I both worked at) to discover she had absolutely nothing on underneath the pretty dress she’d put on that morning. Knowing how my darling little daughter sits for story time (which was how I noticed at home, when she sat on the floor), I’m sure some teacher got an eye full, but they were to polite or embarrassed to tell us! I was mortified!

    This is the same child that when she was about 2 we were at the grocery store, she was sitting in the cart. I had to deal with her big sister for a moment, and I turn around to discover that she was taking her shirt off and twirling it around her head in a perfect stripper move. I jumped over and put it back on her, and had to literally hold it on her the rest of the trip because she had decided she didn’t want it on anymore. Fun times!

    • When I hear stories like yours, it makes me feel so much better! haha! Awesome story!!! Thanks so much for sharing it!

  17. I find my son butt naked at any given time during the day at home. It must be a fae or something. I think they like to get undressed as they learn how to. Funny though…

    • Stasha- My daughter would just get distracted- she’d start playing and forgot her drawers were on the floor in the bathroom! haha! But, we’re getting better at follow-up. :)

  18. Oh. My. Darn. I’m not sure how I missed this, but I have tears rolling down my face.

    You are not alone in this…my kid is a stripper from way back. A couple of years ago, when we were steuggling to get him to stay in his bed at night, he would come up with ALL SORTS of reasons to get out of bed. One night, we were downstairs -late. We hadn’t heard a peep and we were thinking is night was an easy one, when all of a sudden, Alex comes downstairs…butterball turkey naked, calmly climbs up and starts munching on the fruit on the table.

    He’s also known to strut to the bathtub, naked, and slap his bottom. I swear he did NOT get that from us.

    My Mother of the Year award is in escrow…last week the school sent an email out reminding us that the kids need to have a change of clothes in their cubbie. I read it thinking…sheesh…everyone knows that. Wouldn’t you know it, the school called meTHAT DAY…Alex had a minor accident and there were no underwear in his cubbie. And his change of clothes were summer clothes…and I happened to be about 40 minutes away at the office Christmas party. Luckily, it wasn’t a really major accident and they were able to blot dry his undies, but I felt horrible! (and now there’s a week’s worth of undies in his cubbie!).

    • Tyuana- I thought I’d responded to this! butterball turkey naked! That is an awesome description! Wouldn’t you know that I still haven’t learned my lesson? She doesn’t have any underwear in her cubby still! haha! Glad you learned yours, though! :)

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  21. I got a letter from camp one time dear Mom having fun PS I forgot to pack my underwear . Haha. Of course with snail mail my child had already been at camp almost a week when this arrived. Great post.

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  23. Oh my goodness this post is HILARIOUS!!! And I have to say that it does drive me a bit batty that dresses stop coming with little bloomers at 2T. Do they not think 4 year olds are going to do cartwheels, play on play areas and do yoga at preschool? :)

    • haha! That’s true, Adrienne! The retail industry is definitely to blame!!!! Thanks for the funny comment!

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