The Things Men Say That Live Forever

Oh, our poor husbands.

They can hardly win.

One of my favorite commercials has got to be that awesome Abe Lincoln Geico commercial where Honest Abe truthfully answers his wife’s question about whether or not her rear parts were big.

My own husband has had his own Honest Abe moments.

He’s a truthful man.  Candid.  In retrospect, it is always hilarious. In the moment, not quite so much.  Here’s but one example.

Ten years ago (yes, I’m drudging up something that happened a decade ago), a group of friends sat around a cafe table in our favorite coffee house.

My husband decided it was time to break the news to our friend, Jim, that the reason he was perennially single was because, when it came to women, he had champagne taste but a beer face.

Sounds cruel, but so is the logic and candor of most men, I believe.  He broke it down for poor, lonely Jim.

My Husband:  “Jim, listen, Man.  Here’s the thing.  There’ a social ladder and we all are on a rung.  You’re here.  But you always shoot for the 19 year old model way up here.”  (Hand motions demonstrating the disequilibrium of Jim’s unrealistic love choices.)

Jim:   “What do you mean?”

My Husband:  “Well, I mean that you’re always shooting for hotties that are out of your league.  Take ME, for example.”

Me:  “HEY!   What’s THAT supposed to mean?

By this time, all the eyes  at the table were on my husband.  The women’s mouths were open.  The men looked scared for my husband.  We were all anxious to hear what he had to say next.

My Husband:  “Oh,well, Honey, you ARE beautiful!  But, you’re not HEATHER LOCKLEAR beautiful!!!!”

Oh, Dear Lord.  He did NOT.  He did NOT just say that OUT LOUD, I remember thinking.

And, truly, I mean it when I say that not a time has passed since that day when my husband comments on how I look that Heather doesn’t come up.

“Oh, you look great!”

“Really?  Heather Locklear great?”

You’re a beautiful pregnant woman.”

“As beautiful as Heather Locklear pregnant?”

“Our daughter is so beautiful.”

“Yeah.  I hope she turns out HEATHER LOCKLEAR beautiful.”

No joke.  Ten years later.  And it’s as fresh as yesterday.

And, guess what?

Decades from now, we’ll be sitting on a porch stoop, rocking in rickety chairs and my husband will say, “Those new dentures make your smile look great.”

And, I promise I will say, “As great as Heather Locklear’s dentures?”

No question about it.

My wonderful husband, honest to a fault, will suffer for that one for ever.

Any one else have a good honest husband story? 





25 Responses to The Things Men Say That Live Forever

  1. A tip to the poor hubby .Start discussing Patricia’s intelligence and wit .

    Hubby : “You are so smart and witty”

    Patricia ” as smart as……..You are sweet ,how about that chocolate cake I promised ”

    There .Problem solved .

  2. Oh, I have a husband who’s honest to a fault, but you have already experienced that :) I haven’t tried throwing it back at him, but I’m not sure he’d get it if I did.

    • Well, I actually had not written the story for a long time thinking people might think my hubby was mean or something- The topic came up at a get-together with friends as it usually does- and we were all crying again from laughing. My hubby is awesome- and he and everyone agreed it was time to get it out there. hahaha! Your hubby is HILARIOUS, Lisa! I’ll never forget that exchange I had with him. haha!:)

  3. Hahaha!! That’s hilarious!

    My husband is a little more diplomatic so we’ll leave it at that.

    My brother though, is another story. I introduced him to a friend of mine last year and as they live oceans apart, he wanted to get to know her virtually before actually meeting her, something about it being ‘less awkward’. Anyhow, they exchanged emails, became Facebook friends and he was privy to her pictures.

    He told my other sister that Bev “is not hot” when she asked him what he thought of her. He was honest (and stupid) enough to tell Bev this. To this day, she taunts him with it.

    They’re still getting married next May though :)

    • No way! She still is going to marry him???? hahahaha! That is hilarious!! Thanks for telling that story- Your brother and my husband should have beers. :) Thanks for commenting- :)

  4. This is awesome. When my husband and I had been dating for about five minutes, he ran into an old friend-girl and promptly asked her to get together for dinner in front of me. Yeah, that was about 14 years ago and I still give him hell, just like yours and Heather Locklear. Ha!

    • Uh, THAT had to be so awkward! AND hilarious! He would never live that down. Never. Ever. Thanks so much for telling me the story! :)

  5. This is so PERFECT, because it’s so true. Men speak without thinking, and we, women, well, yes, we do hold it over them forever. Sometimes in fun, sometimes only partially joking, and other times we make their lives a living hell. And still enjoy it. I absolutely loved this. Thank you!

    • Angel, I know! Our poor men cannot win. We want honesty and then punish them for it! Hah! Thanks for dropping in! :)

    • Tori- All men do, I think! I’m considering making this a series. So many stories. Too many worries about people hating my husband. hahahaha! :) Thanks for the note- :)

  6. Oh my God – I laughed my butt off on this one! Girl, don’t EVEN get me started. My husband can barely walk because he’s always got both feet in his mouth. You are my new mentor – please don’t ever stop bringing up Heather Locklear.

    • Nami- We need to all go get a beer together. Then, we can watch the men stumble and never let them forget it by blogging about it! haha!

  7. She ain’t all that. No butt and thin lips. Unless, of course, you like that sort of thing. :P

    If I only had the space to type out all the husband horror stories :-) Great post! I’m still laughing.

    • I’m actually considering making this a series for when my material is sparse. There is so much to pull from. hahahaha! Thanks for looking… :)

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  9. I realise this post was forever ago, but had to comment anyway. :)

    My husband is actually the opposite of this. He’s so diplomatically sweet that it drives me crazy. He tells me regularly that I’m hotter than any movie star (so not true), and that I don’t look at all fat (including when I was 9 months pregnant). His conversation is littered with sentences like: “Yeah, that Jennifer Hawkins is hot. But not as hot as Jo.”

    Sound good? Hmmm…. It also leads to situations like this one:

    We got dressed up to go out to dinner with some friends one night after Son #1 was born. I was a bit nervous, because my clothes still weren’t fitting me particularly well and I was a bit out of practice at the whole small-talk-that-doesn’t-involve-poo thing. So I spent ages getting dressed and made up. “How do I look?” I asked my husband when it was time to go. “You look gorgeous. You could be on a catwalk,” he said.

    Apparently catwalks have different rules where he comes from.

    When we got to dinner, my friend tactfully asked me to accompany her to the bathroom, where she nicely pointed out that the side zip of my dress was wide open and showing off both my underwear and my bulging mid-section, and I only had eye make-up applied to one eye.

    …I blamed my husband. And his assertions that “you always look beautiful to me!” didn’t do a lot to help.

    • Jo- I think it is so endearing that your husband is so sweet to say those things to you! How embarrassing about your dress zipper! How did you forget to apply make-up to your other eye, Jo? hahahaha! Your story is hilarious! That’s blog-worthy! I think he sounds like a really good man- :)

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