Oh, our poor husbands.
They can hardly win.
One of my favorite commercials has got to be that awesome Abe Lincoln Geico commercial where Honest Abe truthfully answers his wife’s question about whether or not her rear parts were big.
My own husband has had his own Honest Abe moments.
He’s a truthful man. Candid. In retrospect, it is always hilarious. In the moment, not quite so much. Here’s but one example.
Ten years ago (yes, I’m drudging up something that happened a decade ago), a group of friends sat around a cafe table in our favorite coffee house.
My husband decided it was time to break the news to our friend, Jim, that the reason he was perennially single was because, when it came to women, he had champagne taste but a beer face.
Sounds cruel, but so is the logic and candor of most men, I believe. He broke it down for poor, lonely Jim.
My Husband: “Jim, listen, Man. Here’s the thing. There’ a social ladder and we all are on a rung. You’re here. But you always shoot for the 19 year old model way up here.” (Hand motions demonstrating the disequilibrium of Jim’s unrealistic love choices.)
Jim: “What do you mean?”
My Husband: “Well, I mean that you’re always shooting for hotties that are out of your league. Take ME, for example.”
Me: “HEY! What’s THAT supposed to mean?
By this time, all the eyes at the table were on my husband. The women’s mouths were open. The men looked scared for my husband. We were all anxious to hear what he had to say next.
My Husband: “Oh,well, Honey, you ARE beautiful! But, you’re not HEATHER LOCKLEAR beautiful!!!!”
Oh, Dear Lord. He did NOT. He did NOT just say that OUT LOUD, I remember thinking.
And, truly, I mean it when I say that not a time has passed since that day when my husband comments on how I look that Heather doesn’t come up.
“Oh, you look great!”
“Really? Heather Locklear great?”
“You’re a beautiful pregnant woman.”
“As beautiful as Heather Locklear pregnant?”
“Our daughter is so beautiful.”
“Yeah. I hope she turns out HEATHER LOCKLEAR beautiful.”
No joke. Ten years later. And it’s as fresh as yesterday.
And, guess what?
Decades from now, we’ll be sitting on a porch stoop, rocking in rickety chairs and my husband will say, “Those new dentures make your smile look great.”
And, I promise I will say, “As great as Heather Locklear’s dentures?”
No question about it.
My wonderful husband, honest to a fault, will suffer for that one for ever.
Any one else have a good honest husband story?