For the love of all that is dry and hygienic…
Here is my advice to you, Folks.
Do not ever flush a plastic spoon, spork, fork or any eating utensil- down a toilet.
How did I gain this life lesson empirically?
Well, here you go- another colossal parenting screw-up for your reading pleasure.
No, really- it’s MY pleasure, People.
I’d rather laugh about it than go BACK downstairs to the front desk and ask for them to HAND ME the communal (as in “singular” and “one and only”) toilet plunger (wrapped in a wet, plastic shopping bag) in this three story hotel we’re staying in.
Let me begin anew.
We’re on holiday. We’ve been so for the last approximately 15 days.
We’ve got about another 15 more to go in this room- which is really very lovely were it not for the constantly flooding toilet.
I cannot really blame the hotel for the toilet or their lack of responsiveness.
I haven’t been completely honest with them about it- and by that, I mean, that I haven’t told them any lies but I’ve maybe withheld a couple of details….
Like the tiniest detail that on the very first morning of our stay, that I fed the kids bowls of oatmeal and went to dump the excess milk into the toilet just as my son cried in pain for having jammed his big toe for the first time on a bed post (OW!) and didn’t realize that a plastic spoon had fallen into the toilet.
When I went to wash both spoons, I had only one- and the other one must have slipped deep into the toilet tunnel. The weak coriolis effect was my second clue and the increasingly clogging toilet was the third that it was up there.
Since that time, each flush has turned into a prayer that the toilet would not overflow.
And every few days, it would.
And we would summon the plunger- that, at first, the hotel front desk would send up. We were happy to take it, because this was our fault. (Or, possibly more accurately- MY fault).
And yesterday, we had an exciting morning. Our daughter, doing her business, exclaimed excitedly that she had pooped out a plastic spoon!
Whoah! I ran into the bathroom! 15 days later, that spoon had made its way back down the pipes and its head was visible at the bottom of the reservoir!
I pulled our daughter off and decided that this was the time to pull it out!
But, first things first!
What should I use?
My bare hands and arms?
This was a soiled toilet.
Nah- No need!
I had a closet full of hangers and lots of plastic shopping bags!
I ran around the corner and grabbed a hanger and punched my arms down into a couple of empty Macy’s bags.
I was ready to retrieve the pipe-clogging culprit sitting down there in a most unheavenly pile of stuff!
I rounded the corner like a crazed jackal about to pounce on a baby caribou…
…and arrived just in time to see my son proudly standing there as he flushed that M&^%$# #*&$^&#%^ spoon back up into the plumbing.
That was a hearty flush.
One that we hadn’t heard for two weeks. And likely will not hear, again.
“I Fwuthed da Thpoon!”
You don’t say.
There I was- standing there with Macy’s bags up to my elbows holding an upside down hanger and nowhere to go.
Too late to beat the Fathesth Fwuther in the Wetht.
And here I sit- 24 inches away and separated by a thin wall from an overflowed toilet.
Look, I’d switch rooms-
I know what you’re thinking.
But, I’m a woman on a mission now.
I’m the modern-day version of a female Captain Ahab.
And that spoon- it’s my Moby Dick.
I’m gonna get that Suckah.
Or is this plumbing fiasco REALLY MY FAULT??????
I mean, Eisenhower had the foresight to program 1 mile for every 5 of our interstate system to be flat and straight to accommodate war plane landings.
A hotel plumbing engineer should surely have built spoon-length curves into the system knowing that people in hotels would overwhelmingly be using plastic utensils that might accidentally drop into a toilet.
I mean, C’mon!
So….Maybe we WILL switch rooms tomorrow!
AFTER, I complain about the horrible plumbing in this joint.
DON’T EVER FLUSH A SPOON.
BUT IF YOU DO, AND IT COMES BACK TO YOU,
JUST GO FOR IT, MAN.
JUST GO FOR IT.
WHO’S OUR HERO? WHO’S THE MAN?
HE GOT THAT SPOON OUT OF THE CAN!!!!!
LOVE THIS GUY, TODAY AND FOREVER!
THANK YOU, LUIS!!!!!