No, I am not pregnant.
But, my littlest sister is.
And, since being around her these past few weeks, I have been able to re-live some of the niceties I had forgotten about being pregnant through her.
My poor sister.
For instance, there was this morning.
My son sat next to her, looking at her belly- but not quite directly at it. He was looking, a little north of it, actually….
The reason became clear when he asked my baby sister “Why are your boobies on Knox’s head?”
That wasn’t the first odd question he’s asked her about Knox, his future cousin- so she’s getting used to the funny kid-inquiries.
Oh, my poor sister.
But, perhaps, the funniest reminder of one of the most obvious indignities of a third-trimester pregnancy happened at the Korean Market recently.
We all started in the seafood section where our kids became fascinated by a new and odd-looking form of edible ocean-life: The Sea Squirt.
This has given rise to the new demand for us to follow the kids so they “CAN SHOW US THE SQUIRTS!!!!!” So, remember this if you’re ever around my kids and they ask if you’ve ever seen “the squirts”. This is the type to which they refer.
At least, for your sake, I hope it is.
Once we passed the seafood, our entire family including my sisters, my parents, all our husbands and our children- stood in the middle of a crowded aisle separating 10 varieties of coconut milk and about 30 types of seaweed.
A Korean woman running one of those sampler stations stopped us all to chat while she handed out steamed dumplings with chopsticks.
She was very blunt.
Blunt honesty is a sort of lost art form in Western cultures, I think.
This woman, The Dumpling Lady, was making a type of kimchi potsticker and it was quite delicious.
She said to my middle sister “OH! You are so beautiful! You look like Kim Kardashian!!!”
And my mother said to her, “Almost as beautiful as her mother, right?”
And the lady shook her head, curled her nose and made a motion in the air with both hands that looked like this:
and said, “Nah. Old Woman Body.”
Ah…we did laugh at that. Even my Korean mother.
Then, the woman looked at me and said, “Oh! YOU are so beautiful! You look like Demi Moore! You know? In Ghost?”
And, I picked up the box of potstickers to see if the list of ingredients included any known hallucinogens that might make a woman ingesting the steam to have any goofy delusions like that. And, if it did…who else could I feed these things to?
But, of course my mother agreed with her. “Yes. Yes. My daughters ARE all beautiful!”
And, then the Korean potsticker lady turned on my pregnant sister.
And she said, “You! You look like your FATHER!”
My poor, poor sister.
My poor, poor pregnant sister.
She looked at my dad.
It was a look of total un-amusement before bursting into laughter.
And my dad laughed and said, “Look, Kid. I’m SORRY!!!!!”
My 8 month-pregnant sister said, “I get it. SHE looks like Kim Kardashian. SHE looks like Demi Moore. But, I look like….I look like…YOU, Dad. I’m PREGNANT. I’m BLOATED. I’m FAT. Awesome. Thank You, Lady. Thank You Very Much.”
I’m pretty sure my baby sister walked away hoping the Dumpling Lady would choke on one of her own potstickers.
Being pregnant, with all its miracles and glories, can be the real pits, can’t it?
But, look, Little Sister.
It COULD Be Worse.
I mean, she could have said you looked like Gary Busey, right?
And you definitely don’t look like Gary Busey.
And, besides all that….you really ARE one gorgeous pregnant woman.