Modern marketing is fascinating to watch at work in our children.
We went to a birthday party a few weeks ago and our daughter came away with some glittery tattoos all over her face. No worries, right? No worries until the weekend was over and it appeared our child would be going to school the next day with glittery lips on her forehead, cheeks and chin because….That. Stuff. Would. NOT. Come. Off!
As her dad and I scrubbed and scrubbed, rubbed soap and scrubbed some more, our daughter shouted in a thrilled and squeaky, artificial voice, “It’s Shimmer Glitter! It lasts up to 7 Days! You and your friends can create matching designs!”
By Day 4, her golden-lipped tattoos had been replaced with red blotches where she had scraped off the glitter and much of the epidermal layer. The healing has gone well.
And do you think I bought Shimmer Glitter Tattoos when I saw them in the As Seen on TV section of our local grocery store?
You betcha. That stuff works. But, tattoos on faces, furniture, food or animals are NOT authorized. It’s the responsible way to Shimmer Glitter.
But, on Thanksgiving Day, my husband and I were BLOWN away by our kindergarten daughter.
She is a new reader and has recently started trying to spell out words according to how they sound to her. After the feast, as we poured through Black Friday pamphlets, we saw her on the floor thinking very hard and writing something out. Once she finished, she brought this to us, her Letter To Santa:
At first glance, and before reading the text, I was a little confused.
I asked, “What is it, Honey?” and in my mind, I was hoping she would not say “An armadillo that was run over by a semi.”
When she told me what it was, the image made perfect sense- and appeared to be a very impressive rendition of those darned “Cuddle Uppets”.
She had seen that sing-songy commercial over and over again between Strawberry Shortcake episodes, of course.
Look at the text, please.
She asked for no help with this letter and her spelling attempts and explanations cracked us up and filled us with pride at the same time.
Here is the translation:
Dear Santa, I want a Cuddle Uppet.
When we asked why she wrote “Santa” like “Sedu”, she explained that it was because the letter “u” made the “uh” sound. That was the same reason she wrote “u” in place of the word “a”. It appears that we should enunciate our words more clearly around our kids. But, look at that word, “cudtllubbit” That is a phonetic masterpiece for a 5 year old who hasn’t even learned how to pronounce digraphs yet.
And, this prompted a post on the Critters And Crayons Facebook Page looking for a unicorn “cutdllubbit“ in our city.
I kid you not. I went into a local store and asked the cashier if she knew if they had any Cuddle Uppets in stock. She looked totally confused. And so, I said, “A ridiculous huge-headed puppet that looks stoned attached to a blanket”. And, the lady pointed to the back and said, “Aisle 5, on the farthest shelf”.
Can I just ask what look the designers of this heavily marketed plushy toy were going for with those droopy lids and giant blue under-eye bags?
My guess is that they were going for “sleepy” to keep with the whole “cuddle-while-you-snuggle-under-this-attached-blanket” idea, but the result is more like the “Official State Plushy for the 18 states who recently legalized medical marijuana.”
I mean, seriously. The hanging tongues are a nice touch, personally. Bravo, People.
This is either a a group of animals who ate some really relaxing brownies or they all just suffered simultaneous coronary strokes.
BUT WAIT!
On my quest to find a Unicorn “Cudtllubbit” here and online, I have found some promising news.
The Cuddle Uppet designers must have gotten the memo that these things were really, truly, horribly un-cute and very creepy.
Just look at the what the Unicorn Cuddle Uppet looks like NOW…….
I believe I can co-exist with this thing under our roof.
Thank Goodness.
Many of the Critters And Crayons readers who wrote in on the Facebook post in search of the Unicorn were also planning to buy their kids some Stompeez.
There is something intoxicating about Stompeez commercials for the pre-school and kinder set.
We have Stompeez.
Our son thinks he has Alligator Stompeez.
The company who made them thinks they are Dragons.
I actually think they look like Frogs.
Our daughter thinks she has Unicorn Stompeez.
The company who made them thinks they are Unicorns.
I actually think they look like Bug-Eyed Hippopotami.
But the real point of this post, other than lauding our daughter’s newfound phonetic-piecing skills, and showing intense appreciation that we are now in the market for Cutdllubbits after they all finally got out of rehab, is to ask if it might be possible for us to stop trying to engineer Super-Popples or whatever the recent multi-purpose plushy craze is about?
A strange cross-pollination of inanimate soft things seems to be happening…a cross-breeding of The Cozy And The Sometimes Bizarre has created an entirely new (and very expensive) marketing niche geared toward our children.
Santa’s going broke on this stuff.
Just look at the Frankenstein Toys that have popped up in the last year:
Pillows and Stuffed Animals:
…and then those Stuffed Animals mated with Slippers (Pillow Pets Slippers), Hats ( Pillow Pets Hats), and Shirts (Pillow Pets Apparel), Blankets (Pillow Pets Blankets), and Night Lights (Dream Lights Pillow Pets)
Plushy Toys and Transformers:
Blankets and Puppets:
Disco Balls and Blankets:
The Bright Light Blanket
…And Pillows:
Pillows And Pop-Up Toys:
Stompeez
And Even Books and Pillows….
I really am expecting that in another year, all of these plushy items will be rendered obsolete, because they don’t do everything at once: Glow, Flash, Pop-Up, Wrap, Transform, AND Bounce.
So, that is my prediction, Folks. You heard it here first.
Soon, we will be looking for Glow In the Dark “Cudtllubbits” that have built in LED Flashing Lights that turn off in 15 minutes, that wrap you like a blanket or fold into a pillow with a built in constellation projector that transforms into a bouncing ball…or a book. That will be the “It” Toy on shelves next year.
And before anyone thinks….”Hey! That sounds like a great idea!”….Please. Please. Please. JUST STOP IT. 
SO…..WHAT IS AT THE TOP OF YOUR CHILD’S CHRISTMAS LIST THIS YEAR?
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Image Credits:
Ladybug Light: http://www.overstock.com/Baby/Cloud-B-Twilight-Ladybug-Constellation-Night-Light/6047979/product.html?cid=202290&kid=9553000357392&track=pspla&adtype=pla&kw=%7Bkeyword%7D
Unicorn Pillow Pet: http://mypillowpets.com/shop/rainbow-unicorn/
Petjamas: http://www.asseenontv.com/petjamas-plush-pillow-toy-cover/detail.php?p=369724&v=toys
Dreamlites Pillow Pets: http://www.asseenontv.com/detail.php?p=371776&SESSID=9d1023ede1737648207ea53edbef0cdc
Happy Nappers: https://www.happynapper.com/
Squishables: http://www.havesippywilltravel.com/2011/11/squishables-get-yours-here-adorable.html
Cuddle Uppets: http://www.toyblankets.com/
Bright Light Pillow: https://www.brightlightpillow.com/
Bright Light Blanket: http://asseenontvlol.com/bright-light-pillow/
Stompeez: http://www.stompeez.net/Default.asp?bhcp=1
Silly Slippeez: http://www.sillyslippeez.com/
Unicorn Cuddle Uppet 1: http://www.gohastings.com/product/TRENDS/CuddleUppets-Magic-Unicorn/sku/289191910.uts
Unicorn Cuddle Uppet 2: http://images.amazon.com/images/G/01/toys/detail-page/c26-B008DLS2SU-1-s.jpg
Cuddle Uppets: http://www.asseenontvguys.com/cuddleuppets-blankets.aspx
Pillow Book: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jJKyfJIPgrU/UEuV-hFabLI/AAAAAAAAABo/tjfBYRGD9Vc/s1600/1.jpg
JDaniel wants a microscope and a Hexbug. I think the unicorn looks like a hippo too.
JDaniel4′s Mom- Those are great gifts! Be careful with the microscope! We wasted about 50 dollars one year- The lens with a light in it was able to be rotated 360 degrees- only there was a note saying NOT to do that- It snaps the link to the light- the kids, of course, spun it around upon opening it.
Total waste. We were able to use the rest of the kit for another microscope we bought. 
Thanks for the comment!
my niece is brilliant! That is the cutest thing.. do they make armadillo cuddle uppets??
Angie- I really hope there are no armadillo cuddle uppets. That would bring a whole new dimension to ugly. haha!
You know one of the best things about having no TV in the house? My kids have no idea what the latest cool thing is. So our Christmas list for our 5 yo includes: A real fire-breathing dragon, A talking robot, A Spiderman costume that really shoots webs (and sticks to walls), Some more knight/fairy/cowboy figurines and scenery to go with his growing set,a Unicorn or a Pegasus or a Chimera (“No, Mum, not a toy one…), or something with a remote control.
My almost-2 yo just wants whatever his big brother has in his hand right now.
So we’re getting them a puppy.
I think a real-life Chimera would be the perfect gift for ME, Jo. haha! Yes, there is a downside to TV- and this is definitely it! Have a wonderful Christmas in Australia!!!
Thanks for the laugh!
Genevieve- I didn’t know you were blogging again! I will have to stop by! Thank YOU for stopping by mine!
Your posts never fail to absolutely crack me up!!! Seriously… you just made my day 40 million times funnier, yet again! My boys are getting items that will entertain them on our 20 hour road-trip (it helped tremendously that they were bargains online on Black Friday this year as I had zero plans to encourage Santa to bring these to our house this year). Santa’s decided to get very practical in his gift-depositing here this year… but what they want is everything. Big surprise there, right?
Susana- Thank you! I think it is smart to keep Santa small if you’re traveling! What a nightmare to have to lug a massive Bat Castle or Barbie Dream House. haha! Thank you for your comment!
Llllllolllll!!! Wehave the pink poodle and the blue elephant- after the initial thrill of getting what they wanted wore off, my two year old is terrified of his elephant. They also have many random commercial jingles committed to memory including “we buy any car dot com”. Andy daughter once begged me to call whichever babysitting service they were advertising during one if her DVR’d episodes of StrawberryShortcake. And I love your daughter’s spelling, it made perfect sense and is right on track, even above her level, you’ve got an eaky reader/ writer on your hands
Ellie- That is so funny- Kids really do memorize the jingles. Our daughter sings all kinds of commercials in detail. It is kind of scary how much the kids retain- and it gives a parent pause….”WHAT HAVE I SAID IN THE LAST YEAR WITHIN EARSHOT? OH NO”. haha! Thanks for the note on my daughter’s spelling. I thought it was just the cutest thing in the world!
Oh my gosh so many typos from my phone. Hanging my head- your daughter is a better speller than I am
Ellie- I don’t think anyone thinks twice about typos. Most people get what it’s like with auto-correct and also with tiny little touchscreen keyboards!
None of these!! Anything plushy and fluffy is out – I swear they bread at night. I think there are so many on the market now is they’re cheap to produce & us dumb parents pay $25 for a stupid pillow shaped like a bee!
Bridget- I agree. The crazy is CRAZY.
Yet, we still bought cuddle uppets. And Stompeez. And travel pillows shaped like a monkey and a lady bug. We are the problem. 
I am happy to say that I have finally had a moment to read your post and as always, It does not disappoint.
C has wanted both the cuddle uppets and stompeeze but fortunately Santa has convinced him otherwise. He has both the pillow pet and the Dream lite pillow. I have to say I really like both of these. the Dream Lite pillow on commercials showed these very distinct stars and lights on the ceiling and I thought there was no way it looked that good, but it did. Although it was more than I wanted to pay, it has helped my son stay in bed all night and that is absolutely 100% priceless!!!! Thanks again for a great read!
felicia, that is good to know about the dream lite! My kids found their cuddle uppets poorly hidden in the backof the car….and do you know what? Ecstatic cannot begin to describe their reaction. haha!
Again I apologize for the nearly permanant tatoos! We have not even discussed wish lists yet. I know R wants a stuffed animal that projects stars on the wall and both would like a pet which we cant do. Im thinking a fish. Look at fish in a jiff.
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Don’t apologize! That was its best endorsement! We shimmer glittered two weeks ago- and we are only today without glitter tattoos. Time to reapply!
You could get some of those fake hatchlings that grow when you introduce them to water! Or snails- We love our snails. They are too cool and really easy to care for!
Thanks for the laugh! This was brilliant (and your daughter’s letter really was amazing. Definitely worthy of lauding!) My son is seeing Santa tomorrow. Every time I raise the question “What will you ask for from Santa?” he says some toy that he has completely made up himself! The latest one being “crusher robot”. I am scrambling for rather flimsy explanations of why Santa can only provide toys that he’s seen in stores, not ones that my son has made up. When I suggested that Santa wouldn’t know how to make a crusher robot my son kindly offered to send Santa some plans and instructions! I am nervous about tomorrow’s visit!
haha! Ness, although our commericial-driven dilemma may be potentially expensive, I believe your mind-reading dilemma is far more challenging!
Good luck with the Santa ESP!
Stoned, creepy puppet blankets!? I want one! Not! Happily my son has been pillow-neutral and has been attached to the same ‘blankie’ since he was six months old, no other blanket will suffice! Although I have to say a light up blanket he would LOVE.
Lisa- That is hilarious- I have to admit, the kids seem to love the pillow pet-ty things they have. They just got hats shaped like animals…and I was surprised to think that they are adorable on them.
Thanks for the comment!